- Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 p.m.): “Kate and the kids board a train and travel to New York City for a day of sightseeing.” See Mommy on TV. See Mommy get her extensions fixed.
- Lie to Me (FOX, 9 p.m.): “A young woman’s disappearance leads to an investigation of crime in the pornography industry.” Heidi Montag’s been on the run ever since she stole her sex tape back from Vivid.
- Dating in the Dark (ABC, 10 p.m.): “The contestants don swimwear and frolic on a makeshift beach in the darkroom.” Note to self: Bathing suit can now be worn in dark rooms.
- The Bachelorette (ABC, 8pm): “Ali takes one to a bathhouse, another to a bazaar and four others to a historic fort, where they slather themselves in olive oil and wrestle with each other to earn one-on-one time with her.” The one who enjoys it the least is the one who will win the date.
- All Worked Up (truTV, 10pm): “A showgirl uses her dance training in vain to avoid getting towed.” Elizabeth Berkley is proof showgirl experience won’t get you far.
- Obsessed (A&E, 10pm): Season premiere. “A woman’s need to exercise constantly leaves her little time to spend with her family.” She makes sure to wave at their avatars when she runs past them on Wii Fit.
- The Bachelorette (ABC, 8pm): “Fourteen bachelors remain, nine of whom accompany Ali to a Barenaked Ladies performance (and are cast in one of the band’s videos).” If one of them passes a drug test, they could also become Barenaked Ladies’ latest singer.
- True Beauty (ABC, 10pm): “Penn and Teller teach the contestants a magic trick, but swear them to secrecy on how it’s done. Will anyone give it up when questioned by a reporter?” More importantly: Will they give up the Everlasting Gobstopper?
- Mega Bites (TLC, 10pm): “A chef teams up with an engineer and a food scientist to build the world’s largest Rice Krispies Treat.” The bomb squad was mistakenly dispatched after reports of large snaps, crackles and pops.
- King of Dirt (DIY, 9pm): “A couple celebrate their wedding anniversary by having the front yard of their home landscaped.” For their first anniversary, it was their bodies they had landscaped.
- Kendra (E!, 10pm): “Kendra works on her tell-all autobiography, which Hank believes is too revealing.” He thinks she should just stick to picture books.
- True Beauty (ABC, 10pm): Season premiere. “Ten contestants pose in lighted glass cases on the Las Vegas strip, thinking they’re competing for the title ‘The Face of Vegas,’ while actually both their outer and inner beauty are being judged.” The contestants, like Vegas, have a stylish exterior but are vacant inside.
(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)
- Heroes (NBC, 8pm): “Sylar tries to remember who he was in the past.” The creepy killer on a hit show?
- Gone Too Far (MTV, 10pm): Series premiere. “This documentary series from Adam Goldstein (a.k.a. DJ AM) premieres as he travels to his hometown of Philadelphia to stage a surprise intervention with a 23-year-old heroin addict who won’t go into rehab without a fight.” Finally, something of substance from MTV.
- The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 10pm): Season finale. “More stress comes in the form of a disenchanted Taylor, who threatens to walk away from Team Zoe for good, triggering a relapse or Rachel’s vertigo.” Employees—you put them on a reality show, and they’re still never satisfied.
(To get a look at TV Envy’s 2009 Fall Programming Schedule, click here.)
- Dating in the Dark (ABC, 9pm): Season finale. “In the first season closer, an ex-FBI profiler assists the contestants.” Let’s hope proper background checks were part of his services.
- The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 10pm): Season premiere. “Season 2 opens with celeb stylist Rachel Zoe and her mod squad assigned to dress up five actresses for the Golden Globe awards. Meanwhile, a slumping economy affects the rich and famous when the production of couture gowns drops.” In other news: Us Weekly will devote an entire issue to dresses worn twice.
- Hoarding (A&E, 10pm): “A woman whose children were removed from her home because of her hoarding wants to clean her home so that her children can return.” Until then, she’ll manage with the few children she kept hidden underneath the clothes.
- Nurse Jackie (Showtime, 10:30pm): “The movie reviewer awakens from his coma to find that his critical senses have been radically altered.” Fortunately, his ability to sniff out crap was insured by Lloyd’s of London.
(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)
- The Closer (TNT, 9pm): “Brenda reopens a murder case when it’s surmised that a father may have offered a false confession to cover for his schizophrenic son. Sosie Bacon (daughter of Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick) guest stars.” Thanks to the Bernie Madoff scam, the whole Bacon family is now being put to work.
- Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9pm): “Jon stays home to oversee kitchen renovations while Kate and the kids head to the beach as the series returns with its first all-new episode after a five-week hiatus spurred by a marital breakup.” The show will be followed by a new series: Jon Plus His 8 Dates.
- Making His Band (MTV, 10pm): “The finalists move into their new pad and tensions arise between the trained musicians and those who were self-taught.” There are some who are born talented, there are some who are taught. Then there are those who buy record companies and call themselves singers.
- Weeds (Showtime, 10pm): “Coworkers Celia and Dean develop a new marketing scheme after discovering they have a surplus of product.” Who knew one had to create a need for weed?
Posted by Veronica Santiago Categories: Award Shows, Comedy, Daytime, Drama, Food & Home, Games, Late Night, Music, Prime Time, Reality, Sci-Fi/Horror, Specials, Talk Shows, Bravo, Cable, CBS, FOX, HBO, MTV, NBC, Syndication, The CW, Entourage, Oprah Winfrey Show, Prison Break, Saturday Night Live
(You can view TV Envy’s Fall Television Programming Schedule here.)
- The Oprah Winfrey Show (Syndicated, check local listings: Season 23 premiere. Oprah kicks off her new year with over 150 Olympians. Medals, schmedals. I’m sure they’re all hoping for free cars.
- Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX, 8pm): Season 2 premiere. “Agent Ellison handles the aftermath of Cromartie’s massacre.” Now if a pool full of dead bodies doesn’t spell things out for Ellison, nothing will.
- Take Home Nanny (TLC, 8pm): “Parents of aggressive twins need help from Emma to get the kids to behave well for a dinner with a teacher at the new school they want the boys to attend next year.” After they’re accepted, the twins then become the teacher’s problem.
- Prison Break (FOX, 9pm): “Michael and his crew have one day to find the other five cardholders or they’ll go back to prison.” Yeah, yeah, yeah - been there, done that.
- Sesame Street (PBS, check local listings): Season 39 premiere. “One, two, three, four…chickens just back from the shore.”
- High School Musical: Get in the Picture (ABC, 8pm): “The contestants get a lesson on how to express emotions without using words.” Tip #1: If you need to cry, cut a hole in your pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. (Thanks, Joey Tribbiani.)
- The Closer (TNT, 9pm): “Provenza gets in hot water when he loses evidence from a successfully executed sting operation.” Somebody better buy the boss a box a chocolates asap.
- The Mole (ABC, 10pm): “The mole’s last victim and the Mole are revealed in the fifth-season finale after all 12 players reunite.” If a mole is revealed but nobody’s there to see it, will a show get whacked?
(You can view TV Envy’s Summer Television Programming Schedule here.)
- Wanna Bet? (ABC,9pm): “Corbin Bernsen, Tom Bergeron, Rip Hamilton and Melissa Peterman are the celebs placing the wagers. Stunts include a man trying to kick himself in the head 45 times in one minute.” Wanna bet people only know who half these ‘celebrities’ are?
- Paranormal State (A&E, 10pm): Season Two premiere. “The team investigates supposed activity at a home, including the mysterious destruction of religious objects and the unexplained appearance of dead animals near the home.” Dead animals? Should they be looking for ghosts or a serial killer?
- Make a Move (DIY, 10pm): “Amy Wynn Pastor helps newlyweds with their eco-conscious home, including projects like a compost heap, a kitchen upgrade and a wall demolition.” Ah, newlyweds. Always so annoyingly optimistic.
- Weeds (Showtime, 10pm): “In Mexico, Celia discovers the joys of discounted medicine at local pharmacies.” If only she had known about the $4 generics at her local Wal-Mart.
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