Summer Reality Thoughts: Part Four

Posted by David L. Williams Categories: Music, Reality, ABC, Cable, So You Think You Can Dance, Editorial, Features

Wherein I ask the tough questions, like, “Why on Earth would I begin a blog entry with the word ‘wherein?’’

All right, it’s been a little while since I posted, so here are the reality TV questions that have haunted me lately:

1. What did Shaq just say?  No, it’s not that I can’t understand the words that he’s saying; I’m just having trouble figuring out what he means or, more often, why he said it in the first place.  I’ve begun watching “Shaq’s Big Challenge”, wherein (damn it, I’ve really got to cut that out) basketball great and star of Kazaam Shaquille O’Neal conquers the problem of childhood obesity by helping a half dozen kids lose weight.  “Helping” may be too strong a term since Shaq always seems to have other obligations when it comes to the day-to-day assisting of the kids with their programs, but I’m not going to quibble with that.  Any kind of help is a good step; also, Shaq is huge and can easily crush me.

In the first episode, Shaq argues with one of the kids about what kind of donut is the best kind.  Shaq thinks Boston Crème, while one of the kids says crullers are better than the B.C.  Shaq’s response?  “No they’re not!”  Seriously, he starts a debate on donuts and takes a firm stand against crullers.  But, memo to ABC, I’d totally watch “Donut Debate with Shaquille O’Neal.”  Like, every night.

Also, Shaq is show footage of one of the kids eating four slices of pizza during a meal (and dipping each piece in garlic butter as he does), and the dietician asks Shaq how many pieces he eats when he has pizza.  Shaq just smiles guiltily because he doesn’t feel like saying, “I’m the Big Aristotle.  I eat all the pizza I want!” and then instead of, say, talking to the kid about changing his eating habits or, I don’t know, doing … anything, Shaq just says something like, “You’ve got a lot of work to do.”  Thanks for the help, Mr. O’Neal.  Whose name is on this show, by the way?

Really, though, the best example of Shaq quote confusion was when he spoke of one of the kids no longer participating, and said, “If Kit drops out, I’ve failed the system.”  What “system?”  No idea.  Why has Shaq failed this supposed system if one of the kids drops out?  Not a clue.

Click to continue reading Summer Reality Thoughts: Part Four

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