(You can view TV Envy’s Programming Schedule here.)

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30pm):  “Barney celebrates his 200th. No need to explain more.” That’s gonna be LEGEN… wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is… DAIRY!
• Table for 12 (TLC, 9pm):  “Eric and Betty try to keep the kids busy when they’re all stuck at home on a school day.” I believe snow days is how they got their 10 kids to begin with.
• Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9pm):  “Chelsea moves into the house, and Alan feels like he is being pushed out.” It was like that time when his best friend Andie started dating that guy named Blane.
• New York Goes to Work (VH1, 10pm):  Series premiere.  “Viewers vote on which of the three jobs the long-time reality show veteran will take. If she impresses her employer, she’ll get a $5000 bonus. If she quits or fails, she’ll get nothing.” If she flames royally, VH1 will renew her contract.

• Reaper (CW, 8pm):  “Sock throws a party at the Work Bench, but it doesn’t go quite as planned.” Too many “tools” were in attendance.
• Better Off Ted (ABC, 8:30pm):  Season finale. “Ted tries to win over an older demographic.” He’s apparently been having a hard time winning over the 18-49s.
• Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? (Style, 10pm):  “A couple with triplets plan their dream wedding.” In lieu of gifts, they ask that donations be sent to the local vasectomy clinic.
• My Boys (TBS, 10:30):  “Matt vainly emulates actor Matthew McConaughey by purchasing a dog and a Jeep.” He saved up by forgoing all deodorant purchases.

• Scrubs (ABC, 8pm):  Season finale. “J.D. bids Sacred Heart farewell. His agenda before he goes includes getting a hug from Dr. Cox and learning the Janitor’s name.” Honestly, learning Mr. Big’s name is something I could have done without.
• The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8:30pm):  “So-called fitness expert Christine attempts to help Matthew lose weight, but she finds that she’s unable to shed her own unwanted pounds.”
The “Seinfeld Curse” works in mysterious ways.
• Criminal Minds (CBS, 9pm):  “The team travels to Bend, OR to search for a serial killer who murders victims with his car.” This is what Stephen King would call The New Adventures of Old Christine.
• The Unusuals (ABC, 10pm):  “Becoming victims of identity theft inspires Banks and Delahoy to make some changes in their lives.” Step one: Not accepting Facebook friend requests from people they don’t really know.

• Bones (FOX, 8pm):  “Stewie Griffin of Family Guy appears to Booth after Brennan floats the idea of becoming a mother—and wants Booth to be the father.” The vision was only slightly less startling than his dreams about vampires.
• Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30pm):  “A banquet honoring Leslie’s mother is held, and Leslie makes a memorable impression—but not a very good one.” Her Hillary Clinton impersonation seemed a bit out of place.
• Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist (ABC, 10pm):  “Fox visits people around the globe to explore the nature of optimism and its transformative power.” He avoids the cast of The Unusuals altogether.
• Southland (NBC, 10pm):  “A man exposes himself to Adams outside her home.” Everyone can appreciate a free show these days.

• Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8pm):  “While making wedding-day preparations, Melinda finds time to help a girl who claims she’s been visited by vampires.” I thought bloodsuckers didn’t exist on CBS Friday’s anymore.
• Escape to Chimp Eden (Animal, 9pm):  “Alpha female Martha must accept Eugene or he won’t fit in at Chimp Eden.” It’s like a primate version of Gossip Girl.
• Head Case (Starz, 10pm):  “Dr. Goode returns to Los Angeles, where a date with actor-comedian Michael McDonald goes wrong.” She keeps forgetting he’s not the Doobie Brothers singer.
• Primeval (Sci Fi, 10pm):  “A prehistoric winged reptile appears above a golf course.” Up until now, I thought a “birdie” was entirely something else.

• Sit Down, Shut Up (FOX, 7pm):  “The faculty throws a party at Huey Lewis’ house to impress the PTA.” Who knew it was once again “hip to be square”?
• Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9pm):  “Susan and Jackson (Gale Harold) try to fool the authorities.” Apparently I’m not the only one not buying that relationship.
• In Plain Sight (USA, 10pm):  “A witness is injured and trapped in a building collapse. leaving him vulnerable to a sniper waiting nearby.” Sounds like someone’s stuck between a rock and a hard-not-to-miss place.
• Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, 10pm):  “Kris’ daughters get her a monkey to pacify her desire to have a baby.” A baby that won’t need its momma after a sex tape or DUI scandal? Boring!