(You can view TV Envy’s Midseason Programming Schedule here.)

MONDAY 3/16)

• House (FOX, 8pm):  “A nursing home worker is alarmed when the home’s cat curls up next to her. It seems the cat only cuddles up to people who are going to die soon.” That’s what felines call “grooming their victims.”
• Castle (ABC, 10pm):  “Castle and Beckett discover a young nanny dead inside a laundry room dryer, and their investigation leads to a dangerous world of play dates.” The pursuit for the perfect Hide-and-Seek spot can get quite nasty.
• For the Love of Ray J (VH1, 10pm):  “A pool date with two contesants turns steamy.” Thanks to Jason Mesnick, I already know how this episode will end.
• CSI: Miami (CBS, 10pm):  “A flight attendant’s murder reveals dirty secrets of airline travel.” Note to self: Pack own pillow and blanket for next flight.

TUESDAY 3/17)

• Reaper (CW, 8pm):  “Ben fears his friends won’t accept his new girlfriend because she’s a demon.” Fortunately, they find the glow in her eyes hard to resist.
• 18 Kids and Counting (TLC, 9pm):  “Anna prepares a Duggar-sized meal for her new in-laws.” She was always a bit of a brown-noser.
• The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo, 10pm):  “Jill arrives at Alex and Simon’s Brooklyn home to offer renovation pointers.” First step: Burning Simon’s pink jeans and pink loafers.
• Law & Order: SVU (CBS, 10pm):  “While investigating a triple-homicide, Benson and Stabler get assistance from a former dancer (Carol Burnett) who is now a strip-club owner.” Not even TV legends are safe from the economy.

WEDNESDAY (3/18)

• Better Off Ted (ABC, 8:30pm):  Series premiere. “A research-and-development head must coax a scientist to become a human guinea pig in a cryogenic experiment in the opener of this sitcom following an employees of an ethically challenged company.” Sounds like Lost would be simply “better off” without this lead-in.
• Human Prey (Animal, 9pm):  “A coyote attacks a man mowing his lawn.” In the coyote’s defense, he was actually going after the John Deere.
• Little Miss Perfect (WE, 10pm):  “A girl wants to include roller-skating into her act, but she must stay up al night to perfect her performance.” The Hokey Pokey on wheels is much harder than it sounds.
• CSI: NY (CBS, 10pm):  “Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz guest star.” Luckily for Ashlee, Jessica’s already set the acting bar low for her.

THURSDAY (3/19)

• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 9pm):  “Izzie tries her best to keep her condition a secret.” I wouldn’t want anyone to know about my imaginary sex either.
• 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30pm):  “Liz gives attention to her budding relationship with Drew (Jon Hamm), but she discovers that his pleasing appearance has granted him special treatment in life.” Well, duh. How else could he have authored his own guide to picking up women?
• The Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 10pm):  “A party hearty swinger seeks a similarly minded girl gone wild.” Couldn’t he just post that on Craiglist for free?
• Ace of Cakes (Food, 10pm):  “Giant replicas of the most popular Girl Scout Cookies are made.” Because that’s what we all need—a giant Thin Mint.

FRIDAY (3/20)

• Wife Swap (ABC, 8pm):  “An ultra-structured family led by two real estate agents whose kids have a long chore list and no social life swaps with a freewheeling family of jokesters whose children have lots of freedom.” Chore #1: Help Mommy and Daddy sell a home.
• Dollhouse (FOX, 9pm):  “Echo is turned into a model wife for an internet mogul.” I’d never considered Weird Science to be ahead of its time until now.
• Friday Night Lights (NBC, 9pm):  “Joe asks J.D. to postpone dating to concentrate on football.” If it worked for the Durham Bulls…
• Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi, 9pm):  Series finale. Hmm - now if I limit my bathroom and food breaks, I might just be able to catch up before next week.

SUNDAY (3/22)

• Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels (VH1, 9pm):  “Four ladies are challenged to write lyrics for one of Bret’s songs and perform with him.” Just to be clear - the lyrics and the “performance” are completely unrelated.
• Bully Beat Down (MTV, 9:30pm):  Series premiere. “The premiere of the series that helps victims of bullying get revenge by pitting their former tormentors against MMA fighters.” Because it always looks better when someone else does the retaliating for you.
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10pm):  “Justin is suspicious of Ryan’s interest in Rebecca.” It’s so not cool when your actual half-brother makes a move on your former half-sister.
• Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, 10pm):  “Kim’s out-of-control shopping habits cause concern among family members.” Heaven forbid she spend the money she’s earning for them.